Haunted House Magazine

Hanf-O-Domous The Great Predict Two Thousand and Six

The wind blowing through my hair felt good. It was cool but not cold...breezy but not windy. I could have been anywhere...standing high atop a mountain peak, cruising down the highway in a ‘68 Mustang (convertible of course)...but I wasn’t. Instead, I was climbing up a tall ladder, a ladder that was attached to a billboard. I was armed with a can of black spray paint. The billboard stood proud and tall.....right across from a Haunted House...a house called...The Darkness. That’s right...my plan was (under the cover of darkness) to write a spray painted message to Larry Kirchner...one he wouldn’t soon forget. It seemed like a good idea at the time...and as I climbed higher rung by rung, I heard my laughter growing louder and louder.

I had just finished spraying the letter "F" when it happened. Out of nowhere...a spotlight from a nearby police car had me dead to rights. Apparently, they had been looking for me...they wanted to talk. Something about tracing a digitally altered picture of John Denley back to my computer. My cries of innocence (and claiming to know nothing about the goat in the picture) fell on deaf ears and I was loaded into the patrol car and brought to jail. It was here in jail that it happened. It started as a low rattling noise...a tin cup dragged across the bars in classic prison movie fashion. The noise got louder...and louder. It was coming from the cell next to mine. I was about to say something to the guy making the noise when suddenly he started yelling. It was then that I recognized the voice. Quickly I grabbed my shaving mirror and, on an angle, thrust it through the bars. The reflection from the adjacent cell was disturbing...disturbing yet familiar...familiar and calming. The man in the cell next to me was the Knower of things Unknown...Seer of things Unseen...the predictor of events yet to come concerning the Haunted House Industry.....it was none other than HANF-A-DOMOUS THE GREAT!!!!!

That would certainly explain my inability to reach him. Knowing that it was time to write my annual "Hanf-A-Domous Predicts", I had been trying unsuccessfully to locate him for weeks!!!

Jim O’Rear.....Oh Great One.....it is I, Jim O’Rear...your faithful transcriber. What are you doing here? I’ve been trying to find you for weeks!!!

Hanf-A-Domous.....You Have?.....err.....I mean, OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

Jim.....Yes your Wonderfulness. It is time for you to predict the upcoming events for the Haunted House industry for 2006!!!

Hanf.....Don’t you think I know that? By the way...when did we become an industry? I thought we were a bunch of guys that did Haunted Houses 1 month out of the year and fought amongst ourselves the other 11!!!

Jim.....HANF-A-DOMOUS.....your wisdom illuminates even these dark halls. But, you never told me why you are here.

H.....A total misunderstanding. Something to do with a graveyard, a corpse, a shovel, a girl named Jen, and my video camera. Like I said a complete misunderstanding. My lawyer (the great loophole) will work on my imminent release as soon as he returns from an extended vacation. He sent a card...says the weather in Falujah is wonderful this time of year.

Jim.....I see. Well, as long as we are together, can we do HANF-A-DOMOUS PREDICTS right here in jail???

H.....Why not? It can’t be any worse than last year’s performance!!!

Jim.....Speaking of performances...how did last years appearance at Transworld go for you oh fabulous one?

H.....Let’s just say that there were some icy cold moments. I knew Chicago was cold...but not THAT cold. Perhaps my mic wasn’t working. I tell you, it’s a good thing that Uber Haunter Rich Hanf came out to save the day. That crowd was about to subject me to the ancient ritual of stoning!!!

Jim.....You don’t think they took exception to the predictions about Hauntcon do you???

H.....You don’t suppose???

Jim.....Well oh Great One...why don’t we get in a few predictions before the "screws" bring us to the mess hall?

H.....Of course...but there’s just one thing.

Jim.....What would that be my liege?

H.....You know how I end every years predictions by saying that this would be yet another year where Cydney Neil threatens to quit the business? Well, I can’t say that anymore.

Jim.....You mean she has finally left.....for real??? That’s unbelievable....Finally!!! After all these years!!!

H.....Nooooo...you idiot. Of course she will never leave. What happened was that she approached me at Transworld last year and asked me not to make that prediction anymore. Apparently she doesn’t want to be included in HANF-A-DOMOUS PREDICTS!!!

Jim.....NO!!!

H.....That’s correct my weasely friend. I told her I would never again make a Cydney Neil prediction...and I’ll stand by that promise.....until I decide to change my mind!!!!!

Jim.....I’m shocked Oh Mellifluous one.....not that she would ask such a thing.....but that you are standing by your promise. Are there ANY predictions you can make???

H.....Yes...I predict that you can be replaced by Dusti Lewers if you don’t watch your tone of voice.....

Jim.....Many apologies your intuitiveness.....please begin!!!!!

H.....I predict that Haunters will face a whole new day when it comes to advertising. With the increasing popularity of the internet...and traditional radio losing major ground (not to mention listeners) to Satellite Radio...I see radio advertising...traditionally a mainstay in terms of a haunters advertising campaign.....taking a back seat to other media. This will force Haunters to rethink how they spend their advertising dollars...forcing them to become more creative and resourceful when it comes to getting the word out.

H.....I predict that Haunting will see an overall trend reversal and that the business will become more "nomadic" in nature. With land development proceeding at an unprecedented pace nation wide.....and with land becoming more valuable than the businesses that sit on it.....more and more haunts will be lost with the owners either leaving the haunting altogether or switching to mobile or trailer haunts. Case in point Six Flags closed Astroworld in Houston because the land was more valuable than the amusement park. If an entire amusement park will close down to sell land what will happen to haunts on farms or in old buildings destined for loft apartments? Haunting has never seen days like this before and the business of haunting will never be the same again!!!

Jim.....WOW...talk about your doom and gloom!!!

H.....To quote Capt Spaulding in The Devils Rejects "I calls em like I sees em"!!!

H.....Now...on the lighter side. In order to fill an almost desperate need to have haunted fun all year round, haunters will take to doing increasingly outrageous promos for their favorite industry magazine...Hauntworld. Uber Haunter Rich Hanf has thrown down the gauntlet and set a mark that will be hard to beat by jumping out of a plane 13,000 feet in the air after an issue of Hauntworld was thrown out the window of the plane. Haunters can see Rich fall at speeds in excess of 175 mph in an attempt to catch the magazine at Hauntworld.com and then going to the "downloads" section. He finally got his copy...what would you do to get yours??? You can view Rich Hanf’s video by visiting this link http://www.hauntworld.com/downloads.php

H.....Back to gloom and doom.....As more and more haunts find it increasingly difficult to survive, they will be forced to diversify...most likely by rolling over their Haunts and turning them into Christmas shows or Mystery Theatre Shows. At its best, it is difficult to make money in this business. Changing weather patterns aren’t helping any by turning outdoor shows into flood zones. Making up for a season’s shortfall will become increasingly essential to haunters and using their haunts to do other shows may be the only way many a Haunter will be able to survive to haunt again!!! Seems this prediction has already come true. Through my crystal ball I see that none other than Kevin McCurdy has already written an article for this very issue on the same subject. Holy Crystal Ball!

H.....I predict that in the not so distant future, the industry will experience a shortage of easy to get information concerning this business that in the past had been produced by experienced professionals.

Indeed...there was a time when "how to" videos were a dime a dozen. However, those days are over. A glut of the market seems to have slowed both interest and sales in these productions and now almost nobody is producing them. Although it was more of a showcase series as opposed to actual "how to" videos.....even the enormously popular "Hauntworld" video series seems to have come to an end. Although this scarcity of information will not be felt immediately...especially by experienced haunters that may already have availed themselves of this form of information...anyone looking to enter this business from here on in will find themselves sorely lacking in this dept. Looking forward I see haunters mourning the loss of this inexpensive and enlightening way of seeing what others all across the country are doing.

As it is written...so shall it be

Jim.....Oh Great One...those are 5 searing predictions that don’t bode well for the future of this industry. It seems like tough times ahead!!!

H.....You think that’s tough....I need 6 more predictions and I can’t mention Cydney Neil!!!

Jim...That’s why you are the Great One...oh Great One. Tell us...what does the future hold for Transworld?

H....I see several things on the horizon for the most popular of all Haunted gatherings.

I predict that there are only a few Halloween and Party Shows left in the Stevens Convention Center in Chicago . I see a big move in the foreseeable future where the entire show is moved to another city. I see a city of lights on the horizon just one big show in none other than Vegas.

H.....And while we are talking about Transworld.....I see big news coming soon...maybe as soon as next year!!! In a never ending effort to raise the bar for Haunters, I see Transworld trying to incorporate a full scale Horror Convention...complete with vendors and celebs...to coincide with the 2007 show. This would notch things up considerably for a show that is already "best in breed".

Jim.....Hold on oh Wise One. See those two guards over there??? Aren’t those the guys that used to have that Zombie Extreme Haunted House???

H.....Are you crazy? If they look like anyone I think it’s more like former IAHA President Drew Hunter.

Jim.....Which one?

H.....BOTH of them!!!!!

H.....Now where were we....ahhh yes.....I was predicting about conventions and trade shows. I predict a shakeout in Haunted House conventions. The average Haunter is just a regular guy. That means he has a regular job, family, etc. It also means that his regular job will give him only regular time off...you know...2 or 3 weeks. Considering that he will take a number of those days to come to Transworld (the only MUST ATTEND SHOW OUT THERE FOR THE PROFESSIONAL HAUNTER) and the remainder of the time will be devoted to building and running the haunt.....the average haunter doesn’t have too much time or money left to attend the likes of Death Fest, or HauntCon......and that doesn’t take into account regular Horror Conventions like Chiller, Monster Mania, or Horrorfind!!!!! There is just so much time and money to go around. Based on that I predict that we will see the demise of at least one of these industry based conventions as attendance will be dropping thus organizers will cease the events.

Jim.....HANF-A-DOMOUS, wasn’t it you that made a similar prediction when you foresaw the end of both Fright Times and Scared Stiff magazines???

H.....Of course it was me...who else would it be? You see, for all its talk, this industry rarely supports the people and things that are trying to help it.....a strange thing...don’t you think???

Jim.....Oh seer of all things...your insight is as flawless as ever!!!

H.....Hey...my cell mate just told me a limerick...it goes like this...there once was a man from Nantucket ....

Jim.....Hold on there oh Great One.....let’s leave that one for another article!!!! You have yet to mention IAHA!!! Does the future hold nothing for our beleaguered association???

H.....Of course it does you witless wonder. Regrettably, I see very little in the future for IAHA. I see this current time period as IAHAs last stand. As boards come and go one thing remains constant. The inability to get things accomplished...due mostly to the many differing ideas in general...and the fact that professional haunters and the home haunters that have always been on the board, rarely see eye to eye. Home haunters have traditionally gummed up the works with their non pro agendas and belief that the industry owes them something. The average IAHA board meeting is almost like a filibustering session in congress...something that lasts hours with as many differing points of view as there are participants. Membership is at an all time low with the average haunter seeing no viable reason for joining. In addition, IAHA dropped the ball big time by their recent refusal to help haunters in need. True, those haunters might not have been members at the time of their respective tragedies...but at least one was a founding member and an actual haunt owner. What better way to attract members than to help non members that are recognized as real haunters. IAHAs overall lack of progress, lack of vision and forward thinking spells out a death knell that only a very few can’t hear. I predict that the end of IAHA is near!!!!

#10

H.....As long as we are talking about associations.....I see something off in the horizon. As yet the vision is forming and unclear...but...yes...I see it now.....I see the formation of a new Haunters Association. That’s right...forces are at work determining the viability of forming a new Haunters Association. Unfortunately, this too is doomed for failure. Unless an association comes along that is willing to say under no uncertain terms that there is a difference between professional haunters and home haunters.....and subsequently embraces the PROFESSIONAL HAUNTER...then any new association that comes along is destined to repeat the mistakes that the current IAHA is making. The new assn that is possibly on the horizon will clearly be unwilling to make such a commitment.

Jim.....This is unbelievable oh knower of all things. In 10 predictions you have predicted tough times ahead for haunters, a change in advertising mindset, a diversification of attractions, difficulty in getting information from professionals, an expansion as well as a move for Transworld, the death of at least one convention, the death of IAHA, and the failure of a new start up association.....all I can say is WOW. Pretty heavy stuff oh Wise One.....perhaps the heaviest predictions you have ever departed to us.

H.....YES....you are correct.....and all that without mentioning Cydney Neil!!!

Jim.....Do you have any other visions that you would like to share with us your exuberance???

#11

H.....As a matter of fact I do. One concerns industry magazines. Now this is not the first time I have predicted about magazines. As you’ve already stated, I have successfully predicted the death of 2 previous magazines. It has become very clear that although two strong haunted house magazines are good for the industry the vendors can not support both with marketing funds. It has also become clear that vendors no longer are interested in buying advertising four times a year as an October issue is WORTHLESS and a winter issue is still too far off. Based on these facts I’m predicting that no less than one of the two magazines will cease printing and move the magazine to online only e-magazine to reduce costs. I also predict that Hauntworld Magazine will not stop printing and will launch an all-new online version to compliment their printed version.

Jim.....Hanf-A-Domous...nobody BUT NOBODY would ever dare to predict that. Once again you have shocked and amazed us.

H.....Of course you nimrod!!! Hey wait.....that’s my lawyer over there. Seems he is slipping the guards something.....looks like a couple of century notes!!! Here they come...hey...We’re Free.

Listen...I gotta get out of here...I haven’t watched my Paris Hilton video in a week. You know...maybe it was those guys from Zombie Xtreme after all. See you next year for more predictions.